Dragon Lady
by Brit Columbia
Summary: Drake has a new girlfriend and JJ doesn't approve. He is sure that the girl is violent and will hurt or kill Drake! He tries to garner support from the rest of the FAKE gang to convince Drake to break up with her.
1. Chapter 1

**Dragon Lady**

_By Brit Columbia_

_Fandom:_ FAKE  
_Timeline:_ Set after Justice in July of the FAKE First Year Together series. Also set after Volume 7 of FAKE  
_Summary:_ JJ is unhappy about a woman Drake has recently started seeing, and feels that Drake needs to be rescued.  
_Rating:_ This whole story is worksafe.  
_Disclaimer:_ FAKE, featuring Dee, Ryo, Bikky, Carol, Ted, Drake, and JJ, was created by Sanami Matoh. I make no claim on FAKE or Ms. Matoh or any of her characters. I write fanfiction with no expectation of monetary reward.  
_Author's Notes_: Detectives James Chang and Eliza Austen are my characters. So are Lily and her brother, and Bridget, James's girlfriend.

Bridget first appeared in FAKE First Year Together: A New Day, in Chapter 6. She was interested in Ryo, but later when she showed up at the station looking for Ryo, Dee managed to deflect her onto James instead.

Lily has appeared twice before in my FAKE stories. She was first introduced in Chapter 15 of A New Day when Ryo had lunch with Drake at a Chinese restaurant. Later she appeared about halfway through Slave to a Gladiator.

**Dragon Lady**, Chapter One

JJ sat down at the staff room lunch table across from James, who was poking despondently at a Styrofoam bowl that looked like it contained instant noodles. JJ nodded brusquely at his younger co-worker, but was not about to commit the folly of asking him how he was. Everybody at work knew that James was going through a rough patch with his new girlfriend, and JJ was sick of hearing about it. As far as he was concerned, any passing feelings of inadequacy or victimhood that James might be experiencing could not possibly hold a candle to his own personal sense of injury, which was dominating his thoughts just at the moment. His cup of tea completely forgotten, JJ focused on the ongoing struggle to keep a lid on his seething indignation. How dare Drake blow him off for the sake of a second date with that little Chinese fire ant from that crappy restaurant he insisted on having lunch at every damn day? JJ was simply not used to anyone blowing him off. Especially when that someone was Drake.

Doing his best to shut out James's distracting vibes of personal melodrama, JJ busied himself on his phone composing negative reviews for the Lucky Peking restaurant. He made sure to mention the particularly terrible service to be had from a waitress by the name of 'Lily.' He knew that doing this wouldn't necessarily solve the Drake problem, but it made him feel immeasurably better.

A few minutes later, Eliza joined them, and JJ was forced to repress a shudder at the usual state of her hair. Why that woman couldn't just place herself in the hands of a professional stylist, he did not know. She insisted on wearing her mousy brown locks pinned up in a bun-like thing that resembled nothing so much as a squirrel's nest with a pencil jammed into it. By some miracle, Eliza had managed to attract a fairly decent boyfriend somewhere along the way, which was good! Except also bad, because that surprising achievement seemed to have divested her of all motivation to ever look in the mirror and drag a comb through her hair. But oh well. Her hair, her life. Some people just couldn't be saved, and JJ didn't believe in wasting his time helping those who didn't want to be helped.

Turning his attention back to his phone, JJ added an extra exclamation mark to the second sentence of his review for Urbanspoon, and wondered if Eliza would perhaps be sympathetic about JJ's Drake-predicament. Someone had to rescue that poor man from the foolhardiness of his ways, and JJ knew he couldn't do it alone. He opened his mouth to start talking, but only got a couple of syllables out before he realized, to his extreme annoyance, that Eliza's attention was not on him at all.

Instead she was patting James' hand sympathetically and asking him how he was feeling. JJ shut his mouth with a snap. Who the hell cared how James was feeling? If that new girlfriend of his was making his life hell, it was his own damn fault for (a) asking her out in the first place and (b) not breaking up with her once she began to reveal her inner manipulative bitch.

"Oh, man, Eliza," James said sadly. "I absolutely cannot understand women."

"Aw, come on honey, we're not that hard to figure out. Women are just people like everyone else."

"Well, I wish they came with a manual." James heaved a big sigh.

"What's Bridget done this time?" Eliza's eyes above the straw of her Starbucks drink were an odd combination of avidly curious and meltingly sympathetic.

"She criticized my mom's egg drop soup! Can you believe it?"

"Oh no, not the egg drop soup," muttered JJ with a roll of his eyes. This earned him twin glares from Eliza and James.

"I'll have you know that my mom makes the best egg drop soup in the state," James informed JJ with dignity.

"Hell, in the whole damn world," added Eliza supportively. "I've tasted it."

"Lucky you, whoop-di-doo." JJ went back to his phone. No soup was that good. Who the hell did they think they were kidding? Perhaps he should also review Lily's restaurant on yellow pages online. He could make some specific negative remarks about the quality of the egg drop soup. Then he considered that maybe he should check the menu first just in case Lucky Peking didn't actually offer egg drop soup. Ahh, who gave a shit? It didn't matter. He was going to say they did, anyway.

"She claimed my mom's soup made her feel ill, and then she acted surprised when my mom got mad."

"Maybe she didn't know your mom can understand English," Eliza said.

James turned to her in surprise. "That's exactly what she said! After that, she apologized of course, but the damage was done. Mom has stopped speaking to me, which means the whole family isn't speaking to me." James sighed again. "Furthermore, I've been disinvited from the family Duanwu celebration dinner." He poked morosely at his soggy instant noodles. "I'm gonna miss Mom's dumplings."

"And I suppose Bridget thinks your mom owes _her_ an apology?" Eliza sucked solemnly on her frappucino.

James gaped at her. "Eliza, are you psychic or something?"

"No, she's just one of them," JJ reminded him without looking up, his thumbs busy tapping away on his phone. _Whatever you do, don't order Lily's 'famous' egg drop soup unless you want to spend the night puking! _Then he clicked 'post' and smirked to himself in satisfaction. That oughtta do it. Fifty percent drop in business, pretty much guaranteed. Hopefully Lily would soon be sent packing for the sake of the restaurant's survival.

"Oh yeah, right. I keep forgetting." James looked at Eliza as if seeing her for the first time.

"Gee, thanks, dork." She snapped the lid off her cup and threw an ice cube at him. "Just 'cause I'm not all girly and stuff doesn't mean I'm not all woman."

"Of course you're, er, 'all woman'," James said hastily. "But unlike most of the ones I've known, you're _nice_. And reasonable."

"They all are in the beginning," murmured JJ, logging in again under his other Facebook persona so he could 'like' the negative review he had left on the restaurant's Facebook page.

"What the hell do you know about us?" demanded Eliza. "You're gay!"

"Yeah!" James added his two bits.

JJ looked down his nose at the pair of them. "More than the two of you put together."

"Come to think of it, Bridget was much nicer in the beginning…" James looked thoughtful. "I wonder why she changed?"

"Because you've been busy transforming yourself into her own personal doormat," JJ said. "Stop doing that and she'll go back to being nice. End of story." He set his phone down on the table with a click. "Now if we're all _quite_ done with feeling sorry for James, could we possibly talk about me now?"

"Aw, do you have man troubles, hon?" Eliza seemed willing enough to transfer her attention to him.

JJ considered that for a moment. "Not really," he said, "although there's this confused married guy who won't stop calling me… but never mind, I can handle him. No, no. This is about Drake."

"You're having man troubles with Drake?" Eliza sat up a little straighter, her eyes sharpening with interest. James, on the other hand, was just looking confused.

"No!" JJ tried to be patient with them. "I'm only… _worried _about Drake."

"Why?" asked James. "Is he sick?"

"No, but he's dating a psychopath!"

James emitted a particularly irritating groan of self-pity. "Sounds like me and Drake are in the same club."

"No you are not in the same club." JJ knew his tone of voice was distinctly testy, but he didn't care. "_You_ are merely dating a neurotic b—er woman, but your life is not in danger or anything. Drake, on the other hand, is dating a True Psychopath."

"Has she been professionally diagnosed as a psychopath?" Eliza, damn her, had that skeptical look on her face that she sometimes got when JJ was telling a story. Why couldn't she just trust him, for heaven's sake? It made him want to punish her by telling her how many nasty chemicals and fat grams were in that beverage she was drinking with such evident relish, but he drew in a deep breath to shore up his self-control, and refrained. Eliza had always been nice to him after all.

"I wouldn't know," he said, "as I deemed it best to keep my distance from her after what I witnessed her do with my own eyes."

"What did she do?" James asked, gazing sadly out of the window. "Did she by chance drag him to the opera and make him pay a hundred eighty bucks a ticket in addition to renting an incredibly expensive tux?"

"James," JJ informed him sternly, "we are no longer guests at your own personal pity party, so quit trying to steer the conversation back to you. This is about Drake. And his personal safety."

"So you really feel that Drake is in danger?" Eliza was gratifyingly serious now. "What exactly did you see this woman do?"

"Her name is Lily," JJ said, "and she is, without a doubt, the world's worst waitress."

"While that's certainly a terrible thing to be, could we just get to the psychopathic part?" asked James plaintively. "My break is almost over."

"Oh, all right. I was just trying to give you a little background because I thought it might be helpful. Anyway, she works for her brother at a crappy little Chinese restaurant called Lucky Peking just around the corner from here. So she has all kinds of access to…" JJ paused dramatically.

"Sharp implements?" asked James.

"Well, yes, I suppose so," said JJ, trying to quell his irritation at having his sentence finished for him, and incorrectly at that. "What I was going to say was 'hot soups and noodle dishes', which she has no compunctions about _throwing_ at people who piss her off."

Eliza and James were silent for two full seconds while they processed the shocking implications of what JJ had just said, and then they pushed his patience past all limits by bursting into snorts of laughter.

"Oh, good one, JJ!" James eventually managed to say, while wiping his eyes. "Thanks a lot, buddy. I thought I was too depressed to be able to laugh, but you proved me wrong."

"You guys, I'm serious!" JJ protested. What the hell was the matter with them? "I was having lunch with Drake at that restaurant only yesterday, and she flung a plate of sweet and sour pork all over the guy at the next table! While screeching like a banshee, I might add."

Eliza shrugged, still snickering. "Maybe he deserved it."

"It doesn't sound fatal," James mused. "Though his suit was probably _ruined_!" He and Eliza burst into gales of laughter again and JJ finally lost his temper.

"I don't know why I bother talking to you two!" he fumed, snatching up his phone and stalking away. He stopped at the door and threw a final observation over his shoulder at them. "If Drake ends up with third degree burns from a bowl of boiling wonton soup, you guys are going to be sorry you didn't listen!" Then he stomped off down the hall, ignoring their calls for him to come back.

There was obviously going to be no help from that quarter. He would have to seek reinforcements elsewhere. Maybe there was someone upstairs in the CI department? But he would have to hurry, as Drake would be back from the Coroner's soon.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:

Ted was a big, fat zero in the help department.

JJ had cornered him at the copier station adjoining the CI room, where he lost no time in expressing his concerns about Drake's chances of surviving the week.

Ted was unable to give JJ more than a very small percentage of his attention, since it apparently took just about every brain cell he possessed to choose paper size and press buttons on a photocopying machine. This didn't make sense to JJ, as Ted was always being praised for his IT skills. Surely a person who could make a computer do everything short of shining his shoes could figure out how to work a photocopier? Under normal circumstances he might have made a few choice observations in this regard, but considering that he needed Ted's support if Drake was to be yanked back from the brink of an ignoble and pointless death, he decided that he would do his best to refrain from pointing out any of Ted's shortcomings for at least the next forty-eight hours or so.

"What was that, JJ?" Ted asked. "Did you say a sociopath?" He had the front of the copier open and was groping around inside it.

"No, I said Drake is dating a _psycho_path."

"What, again?"

JJ frowned. "Well, I'll agree Meghan was no prize, but I wouldn't classify _her_ as a psychopath."

"Well, maybe not. She broke up with him just in time. But another six months with Drake would have done it for sure." Ted pulled a wrinkled sheet of paper out from the innards of the copier and shut the hatch with a click.

JJ kept trying. "Meghan's ancient history anyway, Ted. I'm more concerned about the present and how it may impact on Drake's future. If Lily kills or cripples him, he may not _have_ a future!"

He waited impatiently for Ted to offer a suitable response to this, but Ted was too busy comparing the copy quality of one of his pages with another page. Honestly, did the man have no feeling at all?

At the thirty-five-second point, JJ's forbearance abruptly ran out. "Well? Are you going to help me or not?"

Ted gave him a tired smile that was a little too knowing for JJ's liking. "Help you jam up the man's love life when he clearly has a thing for psychopaths? I think not." With that, he commenced fiddling with the settings on the copier.

Drawing himself up, JJ planted a fist on each of his hips. "Don't be absurd, Ted! No one has a 'thing' for psychopaths. Let me tell you something- you are going to_ remember_ this conversation when we're all wearing our dress blues at Drake's memorial service! And when that day comes, you are going to owe me a huge apology!"

JJ then slammed the lid of the copier shut on Ted's hand (which produced a most satisfying and well-deserved scream), and swept out wondering what the hell he had to do around here to save a guy's life.

Honestly, some of his co-workers should wear buttons advertising that they were slow-witted and thoroughly without basic human compassion just to save other people from wasting any time on them.

And now he was facing a lonely evening with no fresh ideas and no one to brainstorm with. How could he stage an intervention if no one was willing to participate? Surely there was someone around here besides himself who cared about Drake. He walked down the hallway wondering if it was worth enlisting Sheldon or Janet. His footsteps carried him past Dee and Ryo's office, and just thinking about Dee cheered him up a little. That man had such a presence. He practically oozed sex and masculine self-assurance. Whenever JJ saw him, he always wanted to climb Dee Laytner like a tree and nestle among his branches. Dee would help him!

A quick peep into Dee's office revealed that Mr. Sexy and his dreary partner were gone for the day, but JJ reasoned that he could give Dee a call. Dee had known Drake for longer than JJ had, and the two of them were pretty good friends, even though they did tend to have a lot of moronic conversations about boobs. The female kind. But how would Dee be able to enjoy such chats with Drake in the future if Drake had been silenced forever by a murderous, man-hating female? JJ intended to suggest to Dee that they meet over appetizers and cocktails to discuss the matter! A little bit of man-to-man 'Dee-time' would be an added bonus, something to make JJ's selfless crusade to extricate Drake from his perilous new path a little more bearable.

His hopes, which had been dashed to the floor by James and Eliza, then further pummeled into a gritty paste by Ted, resurrected themselves and began to rise once more. JJ punched in his speed-dial code for Dee's number, hoping Dee wouldn't turn out to be anywhere in the vicinity of Ryo. JJ simply could not understand why anyone would want to hang out with Ryo for longer than the ten minutes or less that it usually took Ryo to bore a person to tears.

Dee answered the phone and said, "Hey JJ, 'sup?" He sounded busy and there were voices in the background. Kids' voices. JJ's hopes underwent a slight wilting.

"Um… Hi, Mr. Perfect! I know you're probably busy and all, but I was wondering if-"

"Here, talk to Ryo. Princess and I are choppin' tomatoes."

"Hello? JJ?" Damn it, that was Ryo's voice. JJ wondered why Ryo was forcing Dee to do menial chores like chopping tomatoes.

"Oh, hello Ryo. How are you?" JJ figured there was no harm in being polite.

"I'm fine, thank you, and you?" Ryo was being polite too. But unlike JJ, he sounded stiff and unnatural.

Since dealing with Ryo was unavoidable, JJ added him on the spot to his list of potential helpers. Dee would probably crack crude jokes about Drake's questionable track record with women, but Ryo might be sympathetic. After all, Ryo had had that rather terrifying run-in with a knife-wielding psychopath in England a couple of years ago. Ryo was about as socially scintillating as a four-hundred-page treatise on the Periodic Table of Elements, but at least he could be relied upon to take things like psychopaths seriously. And if JJ could get Ryo on board, Dee would probably join in, too.

JJ hadn't intended to start talking about how Drake had jettisoned their plans to attend the art opening together with practically no notice but somehow it slipped out. He was never quite sure afterwards how it had happened, but the next thing he knew, he found himself being invited to Ryo's place for dinner.

End of chapter one

Thanks for reading! I will be publishing chapters weekly through to the end of the year and beyond. I hope you'll come back to read them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dragon Lady**

Chapter 2

_By Brit Columbia_

_Fandom:_ FAKE  
_Timeline:_ Set after Justice in July of the FAKE First Year Together series. Also set after Volume 7 of FAKE  
_Summary:_ JJ is unhappy about a woman Drake has recently started seeing, and feels that Drake needs to be rescued. In this chapter, he has dinner with Dee, Ryo, Bikky and Carol, and tries to get them to help him.  
_Rating:_ This whole story is worksafe. No physical or sexual affection takes place.

_Disclaimer:_ FAKE, featuring Dee, Ryo, Bikky, Carol, Ted, Drake, and JJ, was created by Sanami Matoh. I make no claim on FAKE or Ms. Matoh or any of her characters. I write fanfiction with no expectation of monetary reward.  
_Author's Notes_: Detectives James Chang and Eliza Austen are my characters. So are Lily and her brother, and Bridget, James's current girlfriend.

Bridget first appeared in FAKE First Year Together: A New Day, in Chapter 6. She was interested in Ryo, but later when she showed up at the station looking for Ryo, Dee managed to deflect her onto James instead.

Lily has appeared twice before in my FAKE stories. She was first introduced in Chapter 15 of A New Day when Ryo had lunch with Drake at a Chinese restaurant. Later she appeared about halfway through Slave to a Gladiator. Dragon Lady is taking place in July of Dee and Ryo's First Year Together, whereas Slave to A Gladiator happened three months later on Halloween.

**Dragon Lady, Chapter Two**

Ryo served JJ a rather horrifying slab of lasagna that not only looked like it had originated from the frozen foods aisle of a substandard supermarket, but was also distinctly overcooked, and lacked any sauces or garnishes that might have mitigated matters.

"Um, do you have any crème fraiche?" JJ inquired without thinking.

"We got ketchup," stated Ryo's brat, Bikky, who picked up a bottle of that unspeakably banal condiment and thumped it down on the table between them.

The kid's hostile eyes promised about nine kinds of suffering if JJ had the temerity to go into further detail regarding his crème fraiche requirement. JJ didn't give a flying shit.

"Thank you, but ketchup is something I will consume only under circumstances which can be termed life or death." JJ returned the offending bottle to the brat's own side of the table with a resounding smack, and then resumed looking expectantly at Ryo. He already knew there would be no crème fraiche; in fact he doubted anyone in this apartment had ever so much as heard of its existence, but a small, mischievous part of him was looking forward to Ryo's reaction to his request.

Unfortunately, he never got to see Ryo off-balance. Dee hopped out of his chair announcing loudly that crème fraiche was just a fancy way of saying 'Ranch dressing', and although it clearly didn't fool Ryo, it did manage to mollify the brat and his little girlfriend. Although maybe not so little anymore. She had grown up and filled out from the last time he had seen her. JJ remembered her from that awful time just over a year ago when she had been grabbed by that crazy guy who chopped off the arms of the underage girls he kidnapped and ravished. She'd kept her cool throughout and then shown up to testify in court… JJ owed her some respect for that. And she was another one who might be sympathetic to his quest to rescue Drake, particularly when she heard the word 'psychopath.' Yes, between Carol and Ryo, he ought to be able to garner lots of support this evening. Even if he did have to choke down this God-awful dinner first.

So when Dee handed JJ the bottle of Ranch dressing, he passed it right over to Carol and said, "Ladies first."

"Thank you, JJ," she said and eyed it curiously. "Do people really have Ranch dressing on their lasagna?"

"Yeah, but not normal people," said the brat, who had just finished dumping what looked like half of Ryo's jumbo-sized bottle of off-brand ketchup on his own portion of pasta. JJ eyed the sight with distaste. 'Normal' indeed.

"Try it," said JJ to Carol. "You might like it." He was damn sure the Ranch dressing was going to be disgusting, but if she was used to eating meals like this on a regular basis, it probably wouldn't kill her.

She uncapped the bottle and carefully tipped some onto the side of her plate before handing it over to him. JJ thanked her as he poured an insignificant jot upon his own dinner. At Ryo's invitation, he helped himself to salad, noting that it consisted of exactly two ingredients: iceberg lettuce and chopped tomatoes. He repressed a sigh, thinking that this was exactly the kind of uninspired salad that a bland and austere sort of person like Ryo would make. Would it have killed him to add some walnuts and chopped celery? Perhaps a sprig of parsley or two? Clearly that would have been far too taxing to Ryo's evidently limited culinary skills.

When Ryo finally stopped rushing back and forth from the kitchen with pitchers of juice and extra napkins and so on, and took his place at the head of the table, everyone began eating. Well everyone except JJ, who planned to spend the first half of the meal just pushing his food around on his plate. He couldn't help being fascinated by the way the others ate their horrible dinner with every sign of enjoyment.

Just when JJ thought he had waited quite long enough to present Drake's dreadful plight and seek their support, he found that circumstances necessitated that he would in fact have to wait longer still, since Ryo chose that exact moment to engage his son in a protracted battle to get the stubborn little punk to eat some salad. Bikky protested loudly that vegetables were a danger to human health because they were covered in 'pesticides and shit.' Ryo scolded Bikky for saying the 'S' word and informed him that the lettuce had been _thoroughly_ washed. Bikky then expounded upon his fears of GMO's in the tomatoes, which no amount of washing could remove. Carol attempted to support Ryo by making mild statements about how yummy she personally found all vegetables, whereas Dee just shoveled his dinner steadily into himself without participating in the debate at all. All discussion was brought to a close when Ryo played his trump card by informing Bikky that if he was that worried about chemicals, pesticides and GMO's in his food, then he certainly shouldn't have any of the strawberry cheesecake ice cream that JJ had brought them, since the milk in the ice cream came from cows that had undoubtedly been fed genetically modified hay that had been sprayed with pesticides, and the strawberries had likely suffered the same fate.

There was a moment of silence broken only by the sound of Dee snickering quietly into his pasta, and then Bikky heaved an aggrieved sigh and said, "Okay, fine. I'll eat the salad."

This gracious capitulation was followed by further negotiations regarding the precise quantity of salad that the brat was willing to eat, and then at long last, their tedious little power struggle was over and JJ felt he could attempt to pitch his plan.

"So, Ryo," JJ began. "Thanks for inviting me for dinner at such short notice."

"You're welcome, JJ." Ryo smiled courteously at him. "Thank you for bringing ice cream. The kids will enjoy that for dessert."

"Are you here for a reason?" Bikky demanded, his mouth full of lasagna.

"Yes, sort of," JJ replied. Annoying though this kid was, he had just provided him with the perfect opening. "I wanted to talk to your dad about a life-and-death situation being faced by one of our co-workers."

"Life and death?" Ryo dropped his fork with a clatter. JJ wholeheartedly approved. At long last, a fitting reaction from somebody, even if it did have to be Ryo.

"Which co-worker?" asked Dee.

"Drake, of course!"

"Told ya." Dee nudged Ryo and winked at him. JJ felt wistful for a moment. He wished Dee would sometimes nudge and wink at him.

"What's it about?" Ryo added a couple of dollops of ranch dressing to his lasagna at Carol's urging.

"I'm concerned for Drake's personal safety." JJ was able to summon up the appropriate facial expression after glancing down at his slab of rapidly congealing lasagna, which made him concerned for his own personal safety.

"Why? Is he in trouble?" Dee asked.

"Has he been targeted by someone he once arrested?" asked Ryo.

"Does the Mob have a hit out on him?" asked Bikky in far too gleeful a tone.

JJ spared Bikky a brief glare before responding to Dee and Ryo. "Yes, he's in trouble. No, the person hasn't been arrested, although in my personal opinion, she should be."

"She?" Now Ryo was looking confused. Honestly, that man was hopeless. He was lucky he was Dee's partner on the job because he seemed to have a lot of trouble figuring things out on his own. Why Ryo had become a police detective instead of, say, a florist, was eminently baffling to JJ.

"Sounds like Drake's dating another flake." Dee helped himself to more salad.

JJ commended Dee with a nod and a smile. Dee had always been quicker on the uptake than Ryo. "Yes, only I wouldn't characterize this one as a mere 'flake.' That one with the headbands and all the feathers was a flake. But Lily is a total _psychopath_."

"Lily…" Ryo frowned as though he were trying to remember something. "Is she by any chance an Asian waitress? Cantonese accent?"

Now it was JJ's turn to stare at Ryo. Once in a while Ryo did manage to surprise him. But it usually turned out to be a lucky guess on Ryo's part, or a fluke. "Why yes, Ryo. Have you met her?"

"I think so." Ryo spooned more salad on Bikky's plate, and ignored his son's theatrical groans and gagging sounds. "I had lunch with Drake about a month ago at a little Chinese restaurant near the station."

"Yes, that's the one!" JJ gave Ryo his full attention. "Did she assault anyone while you were there?"

"N-no…," Ryo said thoughtfully. "But she seemed awfully bad-tempered. And the food wasn't very good, as I recall."

"Yes, I wasn't impressed with the food, either," said JJ briskly. "That restaurant gets a lot of bad reviews. But Drake's been going there every day for weeks because they have this dead cheap lunch special, and you know how much he loves to save money. And now the inevitable has happened and he has started dating that monster of a waitress!"

"Monster? Now come on, JJ. She was a little lacking in her customer service skills, but I wouldn't call her a monster." Ryo's tone was faintly reproving. JJ considered whether Ryo's daily life with Bikky had somehow dulled his sensibilities to the point that he was no longer able to recognize when he was in the presence of a monster.

"Ryo…" JJ tried to sound gentle and patient, little though his dense co-worker deserved it. "I think you must have met Lily on a good day. That woman is violent, I tell you." He suppressed a shudder. "Her brother is the cook and whenever she goes into the kitchen, she screams at him and you hear dreadful crashing sounds like she's beating him to death with a wok or something. And if any of the customers make her mad, which isn't hard at all, she throws hot food all over them! It's true!"

Dee and Bikky wore matching delighted grins, which nonplussed JJ somewhat. They looked so similar when they did that.

"What kind of food?" Bikky asked. "Like noodles? Fried rice?"

"Drake and his screwball women." Dee was shaking his head. "He's nothing if not consistent."

"If she throws hot food all over the customers, then why do people keep going back?" Carol asked. "I would think the restaurant would be out of business by now."

JJ shrugged. "Beats me. Maybe the incredibly low prices keep attracting a constant supply of new and unsuspecting customers."

"Either that, or she's got a nice rack and she's beautiful when she's angry," said Dee. "Is this girl by any chance a looker?"

JJ considered this. "Well, I suppose it's faintly possible, if she could somehow stop scowling all the time and maybe get some hair and make-up pointers from someone qualified. She wears an incredibly unflattering, baggy apron, too! I swear it looks like it was meant for someone four times her size. God alone knows what she might look like if she paid some attention to her appearance and wore some decent clothes."

"Has she threatened or hurt Drake?" asked Ryo.

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time," said JJ. "She's easy to piss off, and Drake—"

"—has a special talent for pissing off women," finished Dee.

"Oh, and you don't?" asked Ryo.

"Of course I do," said Dee with a grin, and nudged Carol with his shoulder. "Right, Princess?" Carol nodded vigorously, and Dee continued. "See, when I piss 'em off, I'm doing it on purpose—and I'm damn good at it, too! Whereas when chicks blow up at Drake, he never sees it coming and has no idea why they're mad."

"That's right, and that's why I'm here," said JJ earnestly. "She's going to flambé him with chili oil or stab him with a filleting knife, I just know it. We have to do something."

"Why?" Dee demanded. "Drake's a big boy. If he asked this girl out, then he's obviously interested in getting into her pa—ow!" He leaned down and rubbed his shin.

"More wine, Dee?" Smiling blandly, Ryo refilled Dee's glass without waiting to hear his answer.

"Getting into her 'pow?'" Carol paused with her last forkful of lasagna halfway to her mouth and blinked innocently at Dee.

Dee coughed. "Sorry, Princess, got a frog in my throat. I was trying to say that Drake seems interested in getting to, er, know this Lily chick."

"That's only because he's blind and innocent where women are concerned and he has no idea what a savage rage-aholic she truly is." JJ's voice throbbed with emotion as he made a last impassioned plea. "Dee, we have to at least _try_ to save him!"

Dee's mouth twitched. "But it would be so much funnier if we didn't."

"Would she really flambé him in chili oil?" Carol, at least, was looking concerned.

Bikky leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She listened carefully and then leaned back toward him. "It means set him on fire," she said softly.

Bikky's face promptly lit up with unholy joy. "Man, that would be awesome!"

JJ was appalled. "Not for Drake, it wouldn't!" He directed a reproachful look toward Ryo. Did the man not care that he appeared to be harboring a pint-sized psychopath under his own roof? Why didn't he make more of an effort to rein the little demon spawn in?

But Ryo was shaking his head in apparent fond parental indulgence at his son's completely inappropriate interest in the very real threat of violence toward Drake. JJ couldn't believe he had come here tonight with high hopes for support from Ryo. He should have known better.

"JJ," Ryo said in his soft voice, "I don't suppose you do any gaming?"

"Gaming? Like computer games?" JJ wondered what on earth that had to do with anything. "No, of course not. I have a long list of hobbies and an even longer list of friends, so I certainly don't have time to waste on nonsense like computer games."

"You have friends?" Bikky's voice held a note of incredulity that JJ would have found vaguely hurtful coming from anyone else.

"Of course I do," JJ informed him peevishly. "Now could we please get back to Drake? I know you guys think we shouldn't get involved in his love life, but if he ends up in Emergency with a cleaver buried in his back, we're all going to feel _just terrible_ that we actually had a conversation about the danger he was in, and didn't do anything to help!"

Bikky whispered in Carol's ear again.

"It's a big, heavy, square knife for chopping bones," she murmured back, which made Bikky grin even wider.

"Ryo, we gotta go to this restaurant!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, Ryo, could we, pleeeease?" Carol begged. "I wanna meet Lily!"

Ryo stood up and started to collect the dishes. "I just want to remind everyone at this table that Lily has not actually _done_ any of these things with chili oil or meat cleavers. JJ is just worried—for some reason—that she might."

Ryo hadn't come right out and said so, but his tone of voice made it clear that he thought JJ was exaggerating, and JJ wasn't going to take that lying down. "What do you mean, 'for some reason?' I assure you, she is perfectly capable of it. She didn't happen to do anything crazy on the one and only day that you were in her restaurant, but_ I _haven't been quite so lucky!"

"Ooooh, JJ, what did she do?" Carol asked excitedly.

JJ told them about the unfortunate man at the next table who had been unwise enough to complain that his food had taken too long, and had consequently ended up with the contents of a plate of sweet and sour pork in his lap.

"In his lap?" Carol gasped and covered her mouth with her hands.

"Um, exactly how hot was this sweet and sour pork?" asked Bikky.

"And most importantly," added Dee, "will he ever be able to father children?"

Then they all burst out laughing, even Ryo, although he naturally laughed in a soft and repressed sort of way, as befitted his status as the official stick-in-the-mud of any social gathering. For his part, JJ found it disconcerting that everyone in whom he confided about the sweet and sour pork incident seemed to get such a kick out of it. Why could no one understand that for one human being to physically assault another human being with a dish of hot food was not only dangerous, but also immoral and strongly indicative of a disordered mind?

As it turned out, even though JJ had not been able to make Dee and Ryo understand the true gravity of Drake's state of imperilment, his evening had not been totally wasted. He had at least succeeded in piquing their interest in the Drake/Lily situation, and it was thus arranged that Dee, Ryo, Bikky and Carol would all join JJ and Drake for lunch at the restaurant the next day. Dee and Ryo were on second shift working three to eleven, so it wouldn't interfere with their work schedules. Bikky and Carol, JJ could have done without, but as it was summer vacation and school was not in session, there was no getting rid of them. Actually, he had to admit that they had been instrumental in getting Dee and Ryo to at least agree to come to the restaurant, where they would be guaranteed a ringside seat for Lily's outrageous behavior.

End of chapter two- next chapter in a week!


	3. Chapter 3

**Dragon Lady**

Chapter 3

_By Brit Columbia_

_Fandom:_ FAKE  
_Timeline:_ Set after Justice in July of the FAKE First Year Together series. Also set after Volume 7 of FAKE  
_Summary:_ JJ is unhappy about the fact that Drake has recently started seeing a new woman, and feels that his hapless partner needs to be rescued.

_Rating:_ This whole story is worksafe.  
_Disclaimer:_ FAKE, featuring Dee, Ryo, Bikky, Carol, Ted, Drake, and JJ, was created by Sanami Matoh. I make no claim on FAKE or Ms. Matoh or any of her characters. I write fanfiction with no expectation of monetary reward.  
_Author's Notes_: Detectives James Chang and Eliza Austen are my characters. So are Lily and her brother, and Bridget, James's girlfriend.

Bridget first appeared in FAKE First Year Together: A New Day, in Chapter 6. She was interested in Ryo, but later when she showed up at the station looking for Ryo, Dee managed to deflect her onto James instead.

Lily has appeared twice before in my FAKE stories. She was first introduced in Chapter 15 of A New Day when Ryo had lunch with Drake at a Chinese restaurant. Later she appeared about halfway through Slave to a Gladiator.

**Dragon Lady**, Chapter Three

"So Drake, are you going to Lucky Peking again today?" JJ said this while entering the final line of information on his latest witness statement form.

"Sure am!" Drake seemed more cheerful than usual, but then he caught himself and shot JJ a guilty look. "Hey partner, sorry about last night. I hope you enjoyed the art show without me."

"Oh, well, you know, I ended up not going," JJ said airily as he tried to keep a lid on the feelings of resentment that started bubbling up inside him again at the reminder of Drake's perfidious last-minute abandonment. They had both been careful not to bring it up so far this morning.

"Why not?" Drake's shoulders hunched defensively. "I thought you loved that artist's work."

"I do, but I didn't feel like going by myself and I couldn't find anyone else on such short notice…." JJ paused to breathe deeply through his nose and remind himself to keep smiling. "So I ended up hanging out with Dee and Ryo instead."

Drake brightened, obviously relieved. "Oh! That's good then. I felt really bad about canceling on you, but Monday night was the only time Lily could come out with me. The restaurant had a power outage and had to close kind of suddenly."

"Yes, yes, you said." JJ cut him off, not wanting to hear all of Drake's lame excuses all over again. "Let's forget about it, Drake."

"So, you gonna come for lunch with me today? They have spicy ginger beef on special on Tuesdays." Drake said this as though it was something he actually thought JJ would get excited about. "Lily said she'd ask her brother to make it extra spicy for me. If you like, I can put in a good word for you, too."

"Sure, Drake, I'd love to come for lunch with you," said JJ in his brightest tone before poking Drake in the chest and adding, "But you're buying, for standing me up last night."

Drake looked like he was going to protest, but then he thought better of it, and said, "Oh, all right. I suppose I could do that." Fetching out his wallet, he checked its contents with an expression of vague misgiving upon his face.

JJ ignored this little display and tapped away on the computer, preparing a cover page for his fax request to the DA's office. It was only fifteen minutes until lunchtime. He might as well use that time to gather more information on The Psychopath, now that he and Drake were back to conversing normally again. "Did you have a nice time on your date with Lily last night?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, sure. It was only coffee and a walk, though."

JJ was torn between wanting to lecture Drake about being cheap on a second date (coffee and a walk indeed!) and wanting to keep his mouth shut so that Lily would maybe break up with Drake over his cheapness before she got mad enough to kill him. But considering her volatility, if Drake didn't take her somewhere decent on the third date, he might not survive long enough for there to be a fourth.

"Do you guys have anything in common?" JJ was genuinely curious, since if they did, he just couldn't see it.

Drake shrugged. "I guess so. Most chicks like to talk. My game plan is to get them to talk about themselves." He grinned conspiratorially. "Then all I have to do is listen, nod and smile, and they think they're having a good time."

JJ did his best to keep his expression neutral. Really, his partner was so clueless. "Did Lily talk about herself?"

"Yeah, some." Drake put a file back in the cabinet on the wall behind his desk. "She's pretty new to the States and she doesn't get along with her brother that well."

"Ya think?" JJ recalled the screeching and yelling that emitted from the restaurant kitchen every time she went back there to put in an order or bring one out for a customer. "Does she want to go back home, then?" A spark of hope lit his breast. Hopefully 'home' was very far away, like across an ocean or two, rather than just a county or state line.

Drake shrugged. "I dunno. She had a job back in Hong Kong that she hated even worse that being a waitress, though, so I doubt she'll go back."

"Oh." The spark winked out. "What kind of work did she do?"

"She worked in a meat-packing factory. She said she spent her days covered in blood from head to foot. Can you imagine?"

JJ tried his best to imagine, but he was too busy choking on his coffee. Eventually, he managed to fling up a hand. "Stop right there with the blood and mayhem! If I'm gonna be eating lunch in twenty minutes, I could do without a mental picture of my waitress covered in gore."

"Oh, right. Sorry about that, little buddy." Looking chagrined, Drake closed his notebook and began to stack up his files neatly on one end of his desk.

JJ took the opportunity to send a quick text to Dee. _Dee, it's worse than I thought! Lily is a butcher!_

As they punched out in the lobby ten minutes later, Eliza and James emerged from the stairwell. From the looks of things, James' woman-troubles had not resolved themselves overnight. Eliza seemed to be making reassuring noises, and James was looking like he had hardly slept a wink.

"JJ!" Eliza called. "Tell him!"

"Tell him what?"

"That he's handsome and sweet and will have no problem getting another girlfriend if Bridget dumps him!"

JJ turned to James. "You're handsome and sweet and will have no problem getting another girlfriend if Bridget dumps you." There, duty done. But then, because he couldn't resist, he added with a sly grin, "Or _boyfriend_, if you decide after this that women are just too much trouble."

Despite the pretty solid pall of misery that enveloped James from the tips of his spiky black hair to his sensibly-shod toes, he managed a weak laugh. "Thanks, JJ, you're a pal. But right now I'm leaning toward a life of celibacy."

They all started walking out together, and JJ wasn't surprised to hear Drake advising James to buy Bridget some flowers. Drake's go-to solution for mollifying an irate woman was to apologize and buy her flowers. As many times as it took.

On the whole, JJ thought it was all for the best that James was straight. His co-worker had a wholesome, boyish face that made him look younger than his twenty-eight years. He was the beloved only son of Chinese immigrants, and he had gorgeous cheekbones. He wasn't tall, but he had a lean muscular body that JJ had surreptitiously admired in the locker room. Not his type at all, but he considered that if James ever went to a gay bar, at least ten or twenty guys would be vying for the pleasure of paying for his drinks. That kind of competition JJ could do without.

Suddenly he had a brain wave. "Say, are you guys going out on a call?"

Eliza shook her head. "Nah, just lunch. I can't stand watching him eat those damn instant noodles one more time." She patted James' shoulder maternally. "Gotta get some nourishment into this boy."

"Why don't you join us for lunch?" offered JJ, and was pleased when Drake seconded the plan. He could feel in his bones that Lily would do something totally off the wall today, and the more witnesses, the better. He had yet to tell Drake that Dee and Ryo and company were all meeting them at the restaurant. With the addition of Eliza and James to the party, they would have a group of eight. That was bound to throw Lily off her stride and make her lose her temper. JJ was glad he had eaten a big breakfast because who knew what would happen at lunch today? There might not be much actual eating going on if Lily started slinging chop suey at people.

Eliza agreed to the plan, and even though James continued to act all mopey, she basically gave him no choice about coming along. "It's times like these, hon, that you need your friends. Besides, I'm buying, so what do you care?"

"You're buying?" asked Drake hopefully.

"James's lunch only," she said firmly. She knew Drake as well as the rest of them did.

When they entered the restaurant, Dee and Ryo waved to them from a large circular table by the window. The two men were accompanied by Bikky and Carol, both of whom were sitting up very straight and looking as though they expected to be doused in flaming sweet and sour sauce at any moment.

The two groups exchanged greetings and made the requisite noises of delight and surprise. JJ and Eliza pulled up a couple of extra chairs and everyone sat down and started discussing menu options.

Bikky was tugging on Ryo, wanting to know if he could have dumplings and egg rolls, Carol was expressing the hope that the tofu with black bean sauce would be tasty, and Eliza was trying to figure out what the hell half the items on the lunch menu were.

"Does anyone know what Tù ròu is?" she asked. "Could it be a kind of fish?"

Ryo appeared to give this the full sixty watts his brain was capable of. "Sounds a bit like 'trout,' maybe? But it wouldn't hurt to ask."

"I will," Eliza said. "What are you having, JJ?"

JJ shrugged. "I can't understand the menu either, so I'm having what Drake's having. He eats here every day." He was feeling a little concerned because Lily was nowhere in sight and the kitchen was suspiciously quiet.

A moment later however his fears were allayed as the kitchen door opened and a familiar high-pitched voice screeched something over her shoulder in Cantonese that brought James's head jerking up from his menu. Then he blushed to the roots of his hair, which made JJ wonder precisely what Lily had just called her long-suffering brother.

She came stomping over to their table, her face wearing its habitual scowl. The scowl lifted briefly at the sight of Drake, whom she addressed as 'Dick', but returned as she considered the sheer number of people at the table. She banged down a pot of Jasmine tea and four cups and exclaimed, "So many! Now I should make more tea."

"Um, can you tell me what number 31, 'Tù ròu with string bean -" Eliza tried to say, but Lily ignored her in favor of sweeping back to the kitchen, while muttering under her breath.

"See what I mean about the apron?" JJ whispered to Dee, beside whom he had managed to snag a seat.

"Is she mad at us?" asked Carol in a hushed voice.

"I hope so!" exclaimed Bikky. He looked like a kid with a ringside seat at the circus.

An expression of momentary confusion passed over Drake's face as he reacted to what Bikky had just said, but then he turned a reassuring smile on Carol. "No, no, she's not mad at all," he said. "Lily is really the sweetest girl. I think she's just a bit stressed from working the lunch hour rush all by herself."

As the 'lunch hour rush' appeared to consist of themselves, plus exactly three other customers, JJ didn't see what the big deal was. But then, this was Lily, and he absolutely trusted Lily to get stressed out and screechy about practically anything.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed James, whose menu hung forgotten in his hands while he stared out of the window with an avid, yearning look on his face that JJ had only ever seen on heroin addicts. "Is that… Is that… Bridget?"

Everyone turned to look. It was Bridget indeed, and she was quite obliviously putting money into a parking meter practically right in front of Lucy Peking. After assuring his co-workers that he would be right back, James bolted out of his seat and ran out of the restaurant.

"What's that all about?" Carol was watching with interest as James approached Bridget on the street outside.

"That's his girlfriend," said Eliza. "They've been fighting."

"Ohhhh," breathed Carol. "Is that why he looked so depressed?"

"Yeah, but look at him now."

They all watched as Bridget embraced James on the street. "Awwww!" said Eliza and Carol together.

"Um, excuse me, Drake, but I think we're going to need another chair," said Ryo. "Could you get one from that table behind you?"

James reentered the restaurant leading Bridget by the hand. As usual, she was simpering and pretending to hang back. JJ found her prissy and tiresome, and that was _before_ she opened her mouth and discoursed at length about nothing in an irritating nasal voice, which was a regrettable tendency of hers. On the plus side, however, she was attractive enough and had beautiful grooming. Just by sitting there, looking all gentle and feminine, and like she would never, ever kill anyone, she would be an example to Lily in a way that Eliza never could. JJ happily shifted his chair over with the rest of his friends as they made room for Bridget to join them. The more the merrier. Wait until Lily saw that she now had a table of nine. If that didn't send her into a homicidal tailspin he didn't know what would.

End of chapter three


	4. Chapter 4

**Dragon Lady**

Chapter 4

_By Brit Columbia_

_Fandom:_ FAKE  
_Timeline:_ Set after Justice in July of the FAKE First Year Together series. Also set after Volume 7 of FAKE  
_Summary:_ JJ is upset that Drake has recently started seeing a woman JJ considers violent. He feels that Drake needs to be rescued.

_Rating:_ This whole story is worksafe.  
_Disclaimer:_ FAKE, featuring Dee, Ryo, Bikky, Carol, Ted, Drake, and JJ, was created by Sanami Matoh. I make no claim on FAKE or Ms. Matoh or any of her characters. I write fanfiction with no expectation of monetary reward.  
_Author's Notes_: Detectives James Chang and Eliza Austen are my characters. So are Lily and her brother, and Bridget, James's girlfriend.

Bridget first appeared in FAKE First Year Together: A New Day, in Chapter 6. She was interested in Ryo, but later when she showed up at the station looking for Ryo, Dee managed to deflect her onto James instead.

Lily has appeared twice before in my FAKE stories. She was first introduced in Chapter 15 of A New Day when Ryo had lunch with Drake at a Chinese restaurant. Later she appeared about halfway through Slave to a Gladiator.

**Dragon Lady**, Chapter Four

Distracted by his annoyance at the way Bikky had taken up rhythmically kicking the table leg, JJ did not notice at first when Lily returned to their table. He was alerted by a shrill command in the vicinity of his right ear to "move stupid blue head before I spill tea!" JJ jerked to the left almost cracking heads with Carol as a tray containing two more pots of jasmine tea and four more small china cups descended abruptly onto the table over his right shoulder. Cups clattered and rolled and tea sloshed, but fortunately none got on JJ.

The brat was staring fixedly at a wet spot on the table where some tea had spilled. He whispered in Carol's ear and then they both stretched out tentative fingers to touch it.

"What are you doing, Bikky?" Ryo gave his son a stern look as if to say 'Don't start acting up, young man.' As though _that_ would do any good. JJ had noticed that Bikky didn't listen to anybody and only pretended to listen to Ryo.

"Just checkin' it's not battery acid," the kid stage-whispered back.

Dee poured himself a cup and took a swig. "Nope," he declared. "Not battery acid, not blood. Try it, guys."

Carol picked up the nearest pot of tea and poured cups for Bikky and herself. The two kids picked up their cups and eyed each other with barely suppressed excitement before clinking them together and taking tentative sips.

"Of course it _could_ be slow-acting poison," Dee remarked, gazing thoughtfully at his cup, and both kids exclaimed in horror.

This seemed to annoy Lily, who was writing down Drake's order on a greasy-looking pad.

"Don't be noisy kids!" she barked, and when JJ witnessed the way that Bikky shut his trap immediately and muttered 'sorry', he amended his earlier thought. Bikky didn't _usually_ listen to anyone, but apparently he was scared enough of Lily (and rightly so) to obey her without sass.

"You no like tea?" Lily's eyes took on what JJ felt was a distinctly dangerous glitter.

"Oh no, we love it," said Ryo quickly. "Don't we, Carol?"

"Yes! It tastes like…like flowers!" she said breathlessly and took another ostentatious sip before adding an affirmative "Yum!"

Lily appeared somewhat mollified by this and generously volunteered some information. "It mix of jasmine and _júhuā_ flower. Good for throat. Make you calm."

JJ couldn't believe his ears. A calming tea? What the hell was in it? Poppies? Heroin syrup? Or maybe not, since if it truly was a calming tea, it sure didn't seem to be working out well for Lily.

"Do you drink it, Lily?" he asked.

Instead of answering, she fixed him with a flat gaze and raised her pad and pencil. "What you want for lunch?"

"Um, the special," he replied. "Whatever Drake's having."

"You want extra spicy too?"

"Sure why not?" JJ could handle a little extra spice. It would make up for the blandness of being stuck sitting across from Ryo. Besides, he probably wouldn't be eating it anyway. He just hoped he didn't end up wearing it. He had taken the precaution of wearing a suit that was destined for Goodwill at the end of the summer anyway, its fashion value having peaked a month past.

"Um, excuse me, but we're going to need one more cup," ventured Eliza. "And I have a couple of questions about the menu."

Lily whirled and glared at her. "Fine! I bring cup!" She thrust her order pad back into the folds of her voluminous apron and stamped back to the kitchen without finishing taking the rest of the lunch orders.

"Now you've done it, Eliza," said Dee.

"What?" she sounded perplexed. "Asked for another cup for Bridget? Is that a crime?"

"It is around here," murmured JJ, feeling secretly delighted. Eliza hadn't been part of last night's briefing, so she had no idea how easy it was to antagonize Lily. Good! Maybe things would come to a head sooner rather than later. And if Eliza ended up getting covered in flying food particles, hopefully she wouldn't suffer any lasting damage from it.

For the first time, Eliza took a good look around the restaurant. "You know, I just realized it's lunchtime in Manhattan and there's hardly anyone in this place!"

Bridget agreed with her and said she wondered how the owners could possibly pay the rent.

Drake, loyal lug of a Lily-boyfriend that he was, exhorted them to wait until they tried the food. "It's pretty good and the prices can't be beat."

At that moment a loud crash issued from the kitchen and a male voice started bellowing. It seemed that Lily's brother was giving her shit for something. And by the sounds of things, she was giving as good as she was getting. JJ had to assume that the only reason she hadn't yet killed her brother, whom she appeared to hate passionately, was that blood was thicker than water, or something like that. There was more crashing, then a high-pitched scream and the sound of a piece of crockery smashing to smithereens.

"Oh my God!" Bridget clutched James, her eyes widening in fear. "What kind of place is this?"

"Welcome to the funhouse," intoned JJ, and bravely took a sip of his tea. It did taste like flowers. He hoped it didn't make him start seeing colors, or wanting to fly, or anything.

"Don't worry about it," Drake said reassuringly. "You know what brothers and sisters are like sometimes…. Siblings have their little differences of opinion."

"I don't have that kind of relationship with my brother at all," Bridget remarked in that nasal voice of hers. "We agree about everything. _My_ brother would never yell at me."

"Well, everyone else's brothers do," said JJ. "Drake's brothers yell at him all the time, right Drake?" Perversely, he felt he had to stick up for Drake, even though he didn't really want to assist in presenting Lily's interactions with her brother as being anything close to normal.

"God, yeah." Drake rolled his eyes. "But not so much now that we all live so far away from each other. But when we were growing up — man. I'm glad I was the biggest."

"You don't have any sisters, do you, Drake?" This was Eliza.

"Nope. JJ's the one with the sisters." Drake didn't really like talking about himself, so he always did his best to deflect personal questions.

The kitchen door banged open, and Lily came stomping across the floor with a cup in her hand. A grey-haired guy at another table attempted to flag her down, but she snarled at him to wait and continued on her grim mission to deliver the cup. Bridget must have jumped a foot out of her chair when it was banged down on the table in front of her.

"Cup!" Lily announced unnecessarily, then whipped out her waitress pad again as though she were whipping a gun from its holster. "Hurry up and choose order! I'm busy!"

Carol hurriedly ordered a tofu dish, Bikky asked for egg rolls and dumplings, Dee and Ryo followed JJ and Drake in ordering the special, and when it came to Eliza's turn she made one more valiant effort to ask questions about the menu.

"What is Tù ròu? Is it a kind of fish?"

"No! It meat!"

"Oh, and how about Gēzi?"

"It meat, too!"

"But what kind of meat… which animal?"

"Both… chicken. Like chicken. Very _old_ chicken." Lily's mouth hardened. "You decide?"

Eliza gave up. "Okay, I guess I'll try the Tù ròu with string beans." She tried giving Lily one of her winning smiles. "I'm _sure_ I'll like it."

Her smile didn't work on Lily, JJ noted. As if anything would. Lily's pencil scratched on her pad and then she turned to James. Her dark eyes traveled from his face to where Bridget's proprietary hand was resting on his arm. Her scowl seemed to relax just a shade before she barked out a query in Cantonese.

James replied in the same language and then turned to Bridget. "And what would you like, dear?"

Bridget made a face. "You know I'm not big on lunch," she said, "especially in places like this. Besides, I don't think they have any low-calorie options on this menu. A girl has to think about her weight!" She tittered and smiled brightly at the table. Since she probably weighed about 95 pounds soaking wet, JJ guessed that she probably spent every waking moment thinking about her weight.

"You no eat?" Lily demanded.

Bridget flinched, and then said to James, "Ask her if they have a diet plate."

James looked uncomfortable. "Bridge, she's standing right there. You can ask her yourself."

JJ could quite understand why Bridget didn't want to talk to Lily any more than she absolutely had to. Lily's cheeks were still flushed from her altercation in the kitchen and she looked perfectly capable of using her waitress pencil to stab anyone who had the temerity to ask her for a diet plate.

"But she might listen to _you_," Bridget insisted, her tone turning petulant. "And you know I don't like it when you call me 'Bridge'."

"Uh-oh," Dee said sotto voce to Carol.

"I'm sorry, dear." The blood rushed to James's face and the anxious expression he had been wearing for days seemed to have returned. "But I still think you should ask her yourself."

"All _right_, since you _insist_." Bridget turned to Lily. "Do… you… have… special … diet… plate?" she asked, speaking slowly and carefully as though Lily were some kind of imbecile.

JJ felt himself starting to get excited. Between the two of them, Eliza and Bridget should send Lily flying into a murderous rage in about another minute. Two, max.

"One special," Lily said, writing something on her pad.

"No, no!" exclaimed Bridget. "I didn't want the lunch special—I just wanted—"

"Extra spicy?" Lily asked and even though her face and her tone had not changed appreciably, there was something extra evil in the way she said it that made JJ's blood thrill in his veins. The kids picked up on it too, he was pleased to note.

"No! I mean-"

"Spicy good for lose weight," said Lily definitively, snapping her book shut. "I bring you good spicy." Spinning on her heel, she left. The grey-haired guy once again tried to speak to her as she passed, but she squawked angrily at him and didn't stop to find out what he wanted. Considering that his table was empty of anything but tea, JJ figured that what the older gentleman probably wanted was his lunch. He hoped the guy had ordered sweet and sour pork. Things were definitely heating up.

"Jamessssss!" hissed Bridget. "Go _after_ her."

James nodded obediently and was half out of his seat before a loud holler followed by what sounded like a small explosion from the direction of the kitchen made him sit back down again.

"Good call, buddy," said Dee.

"James, you heard her. She's going to bring me a horribly spicy thing that's probably about four thousand calories. Would you _please_ go and cancel my order?" Bridget was definitely pissed. But JJ had no sympathy. It was her own fault for saying the word 'special.' With people like Lily, you had to be careful not to give them an opening.

"Don't worry, Bridget," Drake assured her. "If you don't like it, I'm sure someone here will eat it."

JJ repressed a snort. Drake meant himself, of course. His partner was probably hoping like mad that she wouldn't like it so that he could gobble it up and then get his own order packed up to go. JJ looked at Drake with concern, a new thought striking him. Drake really should not be eating here every single day. All that monosodium glutamate couldn't be doing him any good. Maybe Lily was trying to kill him slowly. Of course! It was so simple, it just might work. No jury would convict her. Drake_ had_ been slower and lower in energy recently. JJ frowned as he considered this diabolical new angle.

James attempted to offer Bridget some tea, but she refused curtly and tried to move her chair further away from him. The way they were packed around the table like sardines made that difficult, but she got her message across.

Dee broke the uncomfortable silence that had sprung up around the group. "So Drake, is the service pretty fast here? I think the rugrats are hungry."

"Yeah, not bad," said Drake. "You remember, huh, Ryo? It was pretty fast that day we had lunch here, wasn't it?"

"Um, yes, but that was because…" Ryo trailed off, this sentence apparently being beyond his powers to finish.

"Because what, dude?" Dee picked up the teapot.

"Um, never mind. It was fast."

"Aw come on Ryo, I know your octopus was a little undercooked, but mine was fine!" protested Drake.

"Octopus?" exclaimed Bikky, swivelling his shaggy blonde head to stare at his foster-dad. "Ryo, did you order _octopus_?"

"Not exactly," said Ryo. "It just turned out to be a key ingredient in the house special chow mein."

"Was it disgusting?" Carol asked in a hushed tone.

"It was… interesting. Dee could you pour me some more tea please?"

Bikky nodded knowingly at Carol. "That means it was disgusting." For the first time he looked seriously worried. "I hope they don't put octopus in my dumplings!"

"That's gonna be the least of your worries if Lily gets any more wound up," JJ muttered to Bikky as quietly as he could. A quick glance in Drake's direction confirmed that his partner didn't appear to have heard him. Whew.

"Octopus can be really delicious," James began. "Especially the way my mom cooks…" After a nervous glance at Bridget, who folded her arms and adopted a long-suffering expression, he fell silent.

JJ examined his chopsticks. Oh yes, he would give _that_ relationship approximately 24 more hours. But hopefully they could go break up somewhere else and not let their own petty personal difficulties get in the way of the all-important Lily train wreck that was on the verge of happening.

Eliza picked up the teapot that was nearest her. "Hey, our pot's out. Is there any tea left in yours?"

Dee gallantly poured tea for her, and JJ innocently suggested that Eliza ask for more when Lily returned.

This made Eliza regard him with suspicion. "What are you up to, JJ?"

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you. You're being uncharacteristically quiet and polite. It's not like you."

"What do you mean, 'uncharacteristically'? I'm always quiet and polite!"

"JJ, the only times you're quiet is when your mouth is full," Dee informed him, then added for Eliza's benefit, "but he's polite at least fifty percent of the time, you gotta admit. Especially when he wants something."

Disappointed, JJ shook his head at the pair of them. How could they work with him all these years and still not know him?

The kitchen door swung open, and everyone turned hopeful eyes toward it. Lily emerged carrying a plate of something dark brown and oily-looking in one hand, and a bowl of rice in the other. Obviously it wasn't for them, unless Lily intended to bring out their food one order at a time.

She stalked over to the gray haired man's table, and barked, "Move hands! Hot plates here!"

The older gentleman's brows drew together in displeasure as he and Lily faced off. He did not appear to be in any hurry to obey Lily's urgent command. JJ held his breath, Bikky clutched at Ryo's sleeve, and a curious stillness descended over their table. Would she or wouldn't she?

-end of chapter 4-

Thanks for reading! Next chapter in a week.


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